These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are
things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and
now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm
while these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
_______________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you
forgot?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that
morning?
WITNESS: He said, “Where am I, Cathy?”
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in
voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he’s twenty-one.
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shittin’ me?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh…. I was gettin’ laid!
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you shittin’ me? Your Honour, I think I need a
different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on
dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you
like to rephrase that?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go
to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was
doing an autopsy on him!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh….are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And the best for last:
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check
for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,
nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practising law.
Popularity: 36% [?]
June 8th, 2007 at 1:40 pm
Nice stuff.
August 9th, 2007 at 4:50 pm
Funny. It’s nice to find this to take a break and laugh for a few minutes.Thanks
August 15th, 2007 at 2:32 pm
Don’t know why it is, but the old canard– Why does a lawyer cross the road? To sue the chicken on the other side–always hit my funny bone more than any other lawyer joke.
I write extensively on “legal” crime, mostly about con men. Jokes are just beginning in this area. But, for now, they lag well behind lawyer jokes.
August 15th, 2007 at 2:32 pm
Don’t know why it is, but the old canard– Why does a lawyer cross the road? To sue the chicken on the other side–always hit my funny bone more than any other lawyer joke.
I write extensively on “legal” crime, mostly about con men. Jokes are just beginning in this area. But, for now, they lag well behind lawyer jokes.
August 15th, 2007 at 9:48 pm
Was it Richard the 3rd who said,”kill all the lawyers”?
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September 29th, 2010 at 5:15 pm
hank, no that was shakespeare
December 17th, 2010 at 9:11 am
“How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?” Answer: “How many can you afford?” Here’s a better one: “How many U.S. lawyers are required to research and write the first draft of a successful legal brief in a complex case before the United States Supreme Court?” The answer is, “none!” Lawyers at offshore legal outsourcing companies have already been there, done that.
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December 25th, 2010 at 3:14 pm
SDDGS, what a cheesy way to promote your offshore lawyer outsourcing company. And, everyone knows the best Lawyer joke is “What do you call a bus load of lawyers that are going off a cliff?” “A Good Start!!!” I would like to change it to “What do you call a bus load of lawyers from offshore legal outsourcing that are going off a cliff?” “A Darn Good Start!!” Yea, much better!!
January 19th, 2011 at 9:45 am
Q. What do you call a good lawyer?
A. Hard to find.
Q. What do you call a female lawyer?
A. Sue.
January 25th, 2011 at 5:12 am
“How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?” Answer: “How many can you afford?” Here’s a better one: “How many U.S. lawyers are required to research and write the first draft of a successful legal brief in a complex case before the United States Supreme Court?” The answer is, “none!” Lawyers at offshore legal outsourcing companies have already been there, done that.
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